Ten Facts About Eating Disorders

1. Eating disorders are not about food.

2. Your relationship with food will mirror your relationship with others.

3. An eating disorder is a desperate attempt to find control in a world (outside of you and within you) that is filled with chaos.

4. An eating disorder is a flee from pleasure.

5. An eating disorder is a disconnect from the body.

6. With an eating disorder, real fears that a person is unable to face are refocused onto fears regarding food, weight, and body image.

7. Unexpressed anger turns to revenge through an eating disorder.

8. We aren't born hating our bodies but most people (with and without an eating disorder) will spend the rest of our life making peace with our body.

9. Eating disorders are serious and potentially life-threatening. They do not go away in time or on their own. Eating disorders always require professional help.

10. Recovery is possible and happens within supportive, healing relationships.

Letting go

The process of letting go begins with naming what it is we need to let go of. So, let's write a letter together...

Dear _________, (this can be a person, a habit, an emotion, a regret, guilt, etc.)

I need to let go of you.

(From this sentence, fill the body of the letter in with anything you want. Make it as long or short as you want.)

Sincerely,

_____________

(Let me know how it goes!)

What women want

Remember that movie with Mel Gibson where he could read the minds of women to really learn and understand what they wanted? Today's post is asking for feedback from all you women readers out there. As a woman, what do you want? What do you want from the men in your life? What do you want from your friends and family? What do you want from the people you work with? What do you want from your children? (That is after all the first step towards getting what we women want - knowing what it is we want...)

I'll start (Jenna here)... As a woman, I want to be enjoyed.

Your turn...

enabling vs. helping

How can we know if we are being enabling or if we are being helpful to the people in our life? What is the difference? Sometimes there can be a thin line between the two. First, a definition - what is enabling? Enabling is a pattern of relating where you are doing for others what they need to be doing for themselves. Enabling is stunting another person's growth.

Helping vs. enabling...some questions to think about... Is your "helping" taking consequences away from another? Are you taking on responsibility that is not yours? For example, parents who consistently cover up their children's mistakes. Without consequences, children do not learn from their mistakes; they do not learn how to take personal responsibility or how to do things for themselves.

Another question: What are you getting out of your helping? Is it so you do not have to suffer? Is it about protecting your image? Is it to ward off guilt? Do you act out of fear of losing a relationship?

A final question: What is best for this person in the long run? There is no reason for someone to change if they are not required to. They are not required to change if you are enabling the damaging or unhealthy behavior to continue by cleaning up after the mess they leave behind. If someone is coming behind and sweeping up the "broken glass" they have left behind, one, they never have to face what they have done because the broken peices are no longer there as evidence, and two, they never have to deal with it relationally when the broken glass cuts into your feet or the feet of others.

Enabling vs. helping: It is not an easy distinction. There are no black and white answers and every case will be individual. How about you? What do you think the differences are?

Ghosts

Shakespeare was right when he said, “All the world's a stage. And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances.” I wonder though, even after the curtain closes and the stage has gone dark, are the people who once played a part in our life ever truly gone? They may exit left but are they forever waiting backstage? Will they always have reserved front row seats? We may not be in touch with them; we may never actually see them again, but are they still with us? Do we keep them alive in our hearts and in our memories and in that way, never truly let them go?

And if so, what will it take to set them free, to set ourselves free? Do certain people stay with us, despite a current relationship, because the relationship is lacking closure? Despite years of disconnect is it still left undone? And if we could, would we reconnect with people who were once an important part of our life? Would we clear up regrets from the past? Would we bless one another with the gift of forgiveness? What if we were freer to move into our present relationships, with greater authenticity and courage and vulnerability, because we finally found closure from past relationships and past wounds.

Perhaps there is a reason why certain people keep coming to mind and relentlessly haunt us. We can't know for sure why this is until we move deeper into these relationships. This may or may not involve actually contacting them. Perhaps the work that needs to be done is within yourself - finding closure for yourself. And if you do choose to be in touch with someone from your past, what is your motivation? What are your hopes and expectations? Life is not written by a script and we can't direct another person's response. But we can do our part, to say I'm sorry, or thank you, or I forgive you. We can't

change our past. Scenes from our past are over and can't be undone. But they are not forgotten and can affect how we are relating to the people in our life today. We can move towards closure and healing and freedom for our future by inviting those "ghosts" back on stage, front and center. For we are never truly alone when we are on stage.

Feeling depressed?

Did you know that the opposite of depression is not happiness? I've been reading a great book about depression. It's called Undoing Depression by Richard O'Connor, Ph.D. He writes about depression not being a feeling but an inability to feel. When we are depressed, we are disconnected from what we are actually feeling. We may be feeling sad or lonely or anxious but as a way to protect ourselves from feeling the pain of those feelings, we block out those feelings. We may do this by keeping ourselves busy or distracted. We may do this through an addiction. We may do this by focusing on other people all the time. A depressed mood comes from this blockage. In this way, Dr. O'Connor writes that the opposite of depression would be a freedom to experience and express our feelings - whatever they may be - happiness, anger, sadness, fear, etc.
In order to know what we are feeling, we need to be connected to our feelings. What helps you connect to your feelings? Talking to someone you trust? Listening to music? Watching a movie? Journaling? Taking a walk? Getting out in nature? Time alone?

What feeling(s) are you working so hard to suppress?

Summer Teen Group

Sacred Space Counseling is offering a teen group for girls this summer. Join us to talk about life and relationships and to express yourself through art and music. Beginning July 13, 2006 we will meet weekly Thursday mornings from 10:30-11:30 a.m. Cost is $5 per group session. Contact Jenna for more information and to sign up:

jenna@sacredspacecounseling.com OR 616-405-4733

Breathe...

"You can't put no bandaid on this cancer
Like a twenty-dollar bill
For a topless dancer
You need questions
Forget about the answers
Do you really wanna die this way

That's the trouble with you and me
We always hit the bottom 'fore we get set free
I'm so far down
I'm beginning to breathe"

Lyrics from Over the Rhine Title song: Nobody Number One Album Title: Ohio

When I listen to the song above, I realize how very long I've been holding my breath. It takes my breath away but it's a relief to come up for air.

Art can have that affect on us - whether it's a painting, a movie, a book, or music. Art is meant to get our attention and connect us to our body and our heart. When we're disconnected from our heart and our body, allowing art to affect us can connect us to grief, anger, fear, or sadness that is within us. Often we're afraid to feel this but art gives us a safe outlet. If you're struggling to connect to some scary or confusing emotions inside of you, use art to help you connect and express yourself. Watch a movie, listen to music, go to a local art gallery. And then, create your own art - write a song or a poem or a letter, draw a picture, make a collage, redecorate a room in your house, sing in the shower, dance in your living room. And don't forget to breathe...

Happy Valentine's Day!

“The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.”

(From The Moulin Rouge Movie)

Love is a good thing. We like love, we want love. We go to great lengths to get love. But the act of loving does not come naturally to us. For love, in it's truest form, requires vulnerability, authenticity, sacrifice and risk. Love requires exposure of truth and repentance of our heart. These are not easy things. It takes work and it's messy. Counterfeit love (infatuation, lust, addiction, instant connections) can seem so much more enticing and exciting. Counterfeit love offers us an escape from our lives. But if I'm honest, (and if I'm open to love) I really don't want someone to take me away from my life, with all it's challenges and pain and problems, I want someone to walk with me through it.
Relationships are a good thing. We need relationships. We need connection and touch, support and companionship. But do we really need a “Valentine's Day”? Do we really need a special day set aside each year for the sole purpose of celebrating love and expressing that love to one another? I do. Not only do I need Valentine's Day, I think Valentine's Day should be a bigger deal than it already is. Businesses and schools should close for the day. After all, celebrating love and relationship should be a worthy enough cause to have the day off to spend with family, friends, and your significant other. We could name it the “14th of February” and have fireworks; Cupid could dress up with his bow and arrow and deliver flowers and cards and chocolates. Children could have a Valentine chocolate hunt in their backyard. Family could gather around the dining room table for a feast of a Valentine dinner. Carolers could sing their favorite love songs around the neighborhoods. Which songs would you request?
Holidays are a good thing. They remind us of what's important. And what's more important than love? (I'm not talking exclusively about romantic love – Valentine's Day is an important day to express our love and appreciation to all of our friends and family.) Yes, it's relationally important what we do on February 13th and 15th and all those other regular days of the year (minus your birthday and anniversary). But we need Valentine's Day because truth be told, we aren't any good at love. We need a day set aside to remind us not to take our loved ones for granted, to invest in the work relationships take, and to take the time to celebrate our relationships with friends, family members, and our significant other. Relationships can be great teachers of love. Are we open to becoming a better lover? Not technique-wise or learning the latest seven steps but living and loving from our heart, more freely and more honestly, with the people in our lives.

There's no fear in love

We need love. So why do we push it away? Yes, we fear loss. We fear rejection. But could it be that we fear intimacy more? Why else do we give our heart and body away to fools? Why else do we pursue relationships we know will lead to rejection, disappointment and harm? Why else do we push away and sabotage those relationships with great potential for true intimacy?

What is intimacy? (In-to-me-see). I will let you see and know who I truly am. This requires me to explore and discover this for myself first. I will not go to you to tell me who I am. Intimacy takes time. We so often replace intensity with intimacy. Intimacy requires risk and authenticity; honesty and vulnerability. It's not a band-aid for the cancer inside of us; It's not escapism; it's not a quick fix for loneliness. It's not a fill up when we're on empty. Those are counterfeits and we so easily get distracted and caught up in them.

It's safer to believe that what we really fear is rejection. Yes, there is risk of rejection and this is painful. But we've come to expect rejection; we guard ourselves and brace for it. And we dare not hope for the real thing. We're more unsettled when people move towards us and love us well. We struggle to receive freely. We'd rather deprive ourselves than let another stir us in such a way that we long for more.

We are complex when it comes to matters of the heart. We've become most afraid of intimacy and convince ourselves that counterfeits are not only enough but better. When we settle for counterfeits, we operate from a place of fear. Don't let fear rule you. There's no fear in love.