Reverse Psychology

I am constantly amazed by the work that I do...do not take that in a conceited way. I am amazed that I get the opportunity to sit with others and explore the dark and murky paths of life, the mountaintop joys and the in between--the gloaming, as the Irish used to put it. It is in that sitting alongside, across from, that I get to dispense not advice, but myself, and have it received well...what a healing experience for myself, and I hope for the other who sits across from me. I often have the feeling that the person in my office was put there for My good, as well as their own. That somehow, God has orchestrated this meeting for maximum benefit of all involved. That as I challenge and encourage this individual, my own heart is growing and being challenged alongside. How cool is that calling? I have sometimes felt dark feelings for the work that I do, that I somehow am living out a punishment for not listening better in math class in 8th grade, and so I am left with this profession. But today I was reminded of the incredible redemption that is available to me in this work of mine. It is a good day.

Telling Stories

Stories are all around us – in the books we read, the movies we watch, the music we listen to. We are drawn to stories that have particular themes we can relate to. It helps us not feel so alone. We have our own stories to tell, each one of us... war stories, love stories, life stories, birth stories, death stories, etc. We are filled with stories about who we are, about our past, about our relationships. Some stories we want to forget; others we want to always remember; others we just keep repeating and repeating whether we want to or not. Our stories are meant to be told. Telling stories is healing. It helps us feel connected to one another. It helps us learn about ourselves and others. We tell our stories to invite others to know us more deeply; to help us gain more awareness and insight into who we are, where we've come from and where we're heading. Our stories change as we age. How we view life as a child will be different than how we view it as a teenager or as an adult. Therefore we will tell our stories differently through time.

Just as our life can't always be neatly wrapped in a box, the stories of our lives can sometimes be messy, unorganized, unexplained, unredeemed... thus far. Our stories began before we were born and continue on through those we leave behind when we die. We are not done with our stories... we are in process. Our stories change, as we are changed.

Who needs to hear your stories today? Who do you want to invite to hear more of their story?

When you aren't having such a "happy holidays"

Tis the season to be jolly, happy and merry but for a lot of people the holidays are a very difficult time. You may be grieving the loss of a loved one, or struggling with loneliness or broken relationships. There isn't a lot of holiday music, ornaments, or christmas greeting cards that acknowledge this reality. It's okay if you aren't in the Christmas spirit. Pretending that you are will only hinder your healing process. You don't have to have a Christmas tree or decorate your house (unless these things could bring you some comfort rather than exhaust you). You can say no to invitations to Christmas parties. And yet, it may be detrimental for you to isolate yourself. Find a trusted friend or loved one to be real with. You may have to be upfront and tell them what you are needing - a hug, a listening ear, an afternoon away from the kids to see a movie or browse through a bookstore, etc. And then, let safe people be there for you. Start a journal. Rest and take care of yourself. You aren't alone. There is hope. There will be healing. This too is a season.

Issues of trust

Do you have a hard time trusting others? Does this interfere with your relationships? Perhaps you've been hurt by others who you've trusted in the past and as a result you made a vow to yourself (consciously or unconsciously) that never again will you allow yourself to trust. Maybe it's hard to actually follow through with this because we want so much to be able to trust and rest in relationship with others. Or maybe we've hardened our hearts and are constantly at war in our relationships because we struggle to trust. Perhaps we struggle with trust because the person we put our trust in is simply not trustworthy and yet we keep coming back and back hoping this time things will be different and we'll be safe to trust.

Putting our trust in others leaves us vulnerable. That vulnerability opens up painful feelings that we would prefer not to feel. If we don't trust, we say to ourselves, we don't have to hurt when that trust is broken. However living this philosophy often leaves us lonely and tired.

We need to be wise about who we will trust. There truly are people who are not trustworthy. Perhaps the issue to wrestle with is not so much can I trust others but can I trust myself - can I trust myself to know who is trustworthy and who is not? Can I trust myself not to put myself in relationships/situations that only lead to my harm?

What do you think? How do you struggle with the issue of trust?

Happy News

Rob and Jenna Deckert are happy to announce that they are having a baby boy this summer! Jenna is 5 months pregnant and feeling great. She will continue to see clients until June and then will be off on maternity leave.

Congrats to the Deckerts!

Ten Facts About Eating Disorders

1. Eating disorders are not about food.

2. Your relationship with food will mirror your relationship with others.

3. An eating disorder is a desperate attempt to find control in a world (outside of you and within you) that is filled with chaos.

4. An eating disorder is a flee from pleasure.

5. An eating disorder is a disconnect from the body.

6. With an eating disorder, real fears that a person is unable to face are refocused onto fears regarding food, weight, and body image.

7. Unexpressed anger turns to revenge through an eating disorder.

8. We aren't born hating our bodies but most people (with and without an eating disorder) will spend the rest of our life making peace with our body.

9. Eating disorders are serious and potentially life-threatening. They do not go away in time or on their own. Eating disorders always require professional help.

10. Recovery is possible and happens within supportive, healing relationships.

Letting go

The process of letting go begins with naming what it is we need to let go of. So, let's write a letter together...

Dear _________, (this can be a person, a habit, an emotion, a regret, guilt, etc.)

I need to let go of you.

(From this sentence, fill the body of the letter in with anything you want. Make it as long or short as you want.)

Sincerely,

_____________

(Let me know how it goes!)

What women want

Remember that movie with Mel Gibson where he could read the minds of women to really learn and understand what they wanted? Today's post is asking for feedback from all you women readers out there. As a woman, what do you want? What do you want from the men in your life? What do you want from your friends and family? What do you want from the people you work with? What do you want from your children? (That is after all the first step towards getting what we women want - knowing what it is we want...)

I'll start (Jenna here)... As a woman, I want to be enjoyed.

Your turn...

enabling vs. helping

How can we know if we are being enabling or if we are being helpful to the people in our life? What is the difference? Sometimes there can be a thin line between the two. First, a definition - what is enabling? Enabling is a pattern of relating where you are doing for others what they need to be doing for themselves. Enabling is stunting another person's growth.

Helping vs. enabling...some questions to think about... Is your "helping" taking consequences away from another? Are you taking on responsibility that is not yours? For example, parents who consistently cover up their children's mistakes. Without consequences, children do not learn from their mistakes; they do not learn how to take personal responsibility or how to do things for themselves.

Another question: What are you getting out of your helping? Is it so you do not have to suffer? Is it about protecting your image? Is it to ward off guilt? Do you act out of fear of losing a relationship?

A final question: What is best for this person in the long run? There is no reason for someone to change if they are not required to. They are not required to change if you are enabling the damaging or unhealthy behavior to continue by cleaning up after the mess they leave behind. If someone is coming behind and sweeping up the "broken glass" they have left behind, one, they never have to face what they have done because the broken peices are no longer there as evidence, and two, they never have to deal with it relationally when the broken glass cuts into your feet or the feet of others.

Enabling vs. helping: It is not an easy distinction. There are no black and white answers and every case will be individual. How about you? What do you think the differences are?

Ghosts

Shakespeare was right when he said, “All the world's a stage. And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances.” I wonder though, even after the curtain closes and the stage has gone dark, are the people who once played a part in our life ever truly gone? They may exit left but are they forever waiting backstage? Will they always have reserved front row seats? We may not be in touch with them; we may never actually see them again, but are they still with us? Do we keep them alive in our hearts and in our memories and in that way, never truly let them go?

And if so, what will it take to set them free, to set ourselves free? Do certain people stay with us, despite a current relationship, because the relationship is lacking closure? Despite years of disconnect is it still left undone? And if we could, would we reconnect with people who were once an important part of our life? Would we clear up regrets from the past? Would we bless one another with the gift of forgiveness? What if we were freer to move into our present relationships, with greater authenticity and courage and vulnerability, because we finally found closure from past relationships and past wounds.

Perhaps there is a reason why certain people keep coming to mind and relentlessly haunt us. We can't know for sure why this is until we move deeper into these relationships. This may or may not involve actually contacting them. Perhaps the work that needs to be done is within yourself - finding closure for yourself. And if you do choose to be in touch with someone from your past, what is your motivation? What are your hopes and expectations? Life is not written by a script and we can't direct another person's response. But we can do our part, to say I'm sorry, or thank you, or I forgive you. We can't

change our past. Scenes from our past are over and can't be undone. But they are not forgotten and can affect how we are relating to the people in our life today. We can move towards closure and healing and freedom for our future by inviting those "ghosts" back on stage, front and center. For we are never truly alone when we are on stage.

Feeling depressed?

Did you know that the opposite of depression is not happiness? I've been reading a great book about depression. It's called Undoing Depression by Richard O'Connor, Ph.D. He writes about depression not being a feeling but an inability to feel. When we are depressed, we are disconnected from what we are actually feeling. We may be feeling sad or lonely or anxious but as a way to protect ourselves from feeling the pain of those feelings, we block out those feelings. We may do this by keeping ourselves busy or distracted. We may do this through an addiction. We may do this by focusing on other people all the time. A depressed mood comes from this blockage. In this way, Dr. O'Connor writes that the opposite of depression would be a freedom to experience and express our feelings - whatever they may be - happiness, anger, sadness, fear, etc.
In order to know what we are feeling, we need to be connected to our feelings. What helps you connect to your feelings? Talking to someone you trust? Listening to music? Watching a movie? Journaling? Taking a walk? Getting out in nature? Time alone?

What feeling(s) are you working so hard to suppress?

Summer Teen Group

Sacred Space Counseling is offering a teen group for girls this summer. Join us to talk about life and relationships and to express yourself through art and music. Beginning July 13, 2006 we will meet weekly Thursday mornings from 10:30-11:30 a.m. Cost is $5 per group session. Contact Jenna for more information and to sign up:

jenna@sacredspacecounseling.com OR 616-405-4733

Breathe...

"You can't put no bandaid on this cancer
Like a twenty-dollar bill
For a topless dancer
You need questions
Forget about the answers
Do you really wanna die this way

That's the trouble with you and me
We always hit the bottom 'fore we get set free
I'm so far down
I'm beginning to breathe"

Lyrics from Over the Rhine Title song: Nobody Number One Album Title: Ohio

When I listen to the song above, I realize how very long I've been holding my breath. It takes my breath away but it's a relief to come up for air.

Art can have that affect on us - whether it's a painting, a movie, a book, or music. Art is meant to get our attention and connect us to our body and our heart. When we're disconnected from our heart and our body, allowing art to affect us can connect us to grief, anger, fear, or sadness that is within us. Often we're afraid to feel this but art gives us a safe outlet. If you're struggling to connect to some scary or confusing emotions inside of you, use art to help you connect and express yourself. Watch a movie, listen to music, go to a local art gallery. And then, create your own art - write a song or a poem or a letter, draw a picture, make a collage, redecorate a room in your house, sing in the shower, dance in your living room. And don't forget to breathe...

Happy Valentine's Day!

“The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.”

(From The Moulin Rouge Movie)

Love is a good thing. We like love, we want love. We go to great lengths to get love. But the act of loving does not come naturally to us. For love, in it's truest form, requires vulnerability, authenticity, sacrifice and risk. Love requires exposure of truth and repentance of our heart. These are not easy things. It takes work and it's messy. Counterfeit love (infatuation, lust, addiction, instant connections) can seem so much more enticing and exciting. Counterfeit love offers us an escape from our lives. But if I'm honest, (and if I'm open to love) I really don't want someone to take me away from my life, with all it's challenges and pain and problems, I want someone to walk with me through it.
Relationships are a good thing. We need relationships. We need connection and touch, support and companionship. But do we really need a “Valentine's Day”? Do we really need a special day set aside each year for the sole purpose of celebrating love and expressing that love to one another? I do. Not only do I need Valentine's Day, I think Valentine's Day should be a bigger deal than it already is. Businesses and schools should close for the day. After all, celebrating love and relationship should be a worthy enough cause to have the day off to spend with family, friends, and your significant other. We could name it the “14th of February” and have fireworks; Cupid could dress up with his bow and arrow and deliver flowers and cards and chocolates. Children could have a Valentine chocolate hunt in their backyard. Family could gather around the dining room table for a feast of a Valentine dinner. Carolers could sing their favorite love songs around the neighborhoods. Which songs would you request?
Holidays are a good thing. They remind us of what's important. And what's more important than love? (I'm not talking exclusively about romantic love – Valentine's Day is an important day to express our love and appreciation to all of our friends and family.) Yes, it's relationally important what we do on February 13th and 15th and all those other regular days of the year (minus your birthday and anniversary). But we need Valentine's Day because truth be told, we aren't any good at love. We need a day set aside to remind us not to take our loved ones for granted, to invest in the work relationships take, and to take the time to celebrate our relationships with friends, family members, and our significant other. Relationships can be great teachers of love. Are we open to becoming a better lover? Not technique-wise or learning the latest seven steps but living and loving from our heart, more freely and more honestly, with the people in our lives.

There's no fear in love

We need love. So why do we push it away? Yes, we fear loss. We fear rejection. But could it be that we fear intimacy more? Why else do we give our heart and body away to fools? Why else do we pursue relationships we know will lead to rejection, disappointment and harm? Why else do we push away and sabotage those relationships with great potential for true intimacy?

What is intimacy? (In-to-me-see). I will let you see and know who I truly am. This requires me to explore and discover this for myself first. I will not go to you to tell me who I am. Intimacy takes time. We so often replace intensity with intimacy. Intimacy requires risk and authenticity; honesty and vulnerability. It's not a band-aid for the cancer inside of us; It's not escapism; it's not a quick fix for loneliness. It's not a fill up when we're on empty. Those are counterfeits and we so easily get distracted and caught up in them.

It's safer to believe that what we really fear is rejection. Yes, there is risk of rejection and this is painful. But we've come to expect rejection; we guard ourselves and brace for it. And we dare not hope for the real thing. We're more unsettled when people move towards us and love us well. We struggle to receive freely. We'd rather deprive ourselves than let another stir us in such a way that we long for more.

We are complex when it comes to matters of the heart. We've become most afraid of intimacy and convince ourselves that counterfeits are not only enough but better. When we settle for counterfeits, we operate from a place of fear. Don't let fear rule you. There's no fear in love.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM SACRED SPACE COUNSELING! HAVE A SAFE & HEALTHY HOLIDAY!

The stories of our life

"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really matter, full of darkness & danger they were. Sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was, when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it'll shine out the clearer. Those are the stories that stayed with you. They meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I now know, folks in those stories had lots of chances to turn back, but they didn't. They kept going because they were holding onto something."

"What are we holding onto, Sam?"

"There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."

Lord of the Ring, The Two Towers. Conversation between Samwise & Frodo

What if we were to view our life as a storybook - with a beginning, middle & end. With characters & plots & settings; conflict & loss & drama; humor & adventure & meaning. We don't know how our story will end. We can't always make sense of the storyline, of the characters in & out of our life. But there are themes if we study our story.

When we're in darkness. When we're exhausted from a battle of depression or fear. When we've been pierced by a sword of loss or shame and we feel like we can't go on, there is hope. This too shall pass. You can turn a new page. You can begin a new chapter.

There are things in this world that are worth fighting for. Things that require courage & strength, wisdom & grace, faithfulness & love. What are the things in your life worth fighting for? Look at the stories of your life. What are the things that touch you, anger you, humble you? What are the things you're most passionate about? What do you value?

Stuck? Can't think of anything? Sounds like the stories of your life have succeeded in numbing & deadening your heart? Then it's your heart - the very "aliveness" of your heart that you need to fight for. Your heart, your life is good! Even if you're under a great shadow & can't see it right now. It is worth fighting for. And you are not alone. When you can no longer fight, you will look back & see that you are being carried. You will see those times the battle is being fought for you and you will find a season of rest & healing & nourishment. For your story is not over. You are needed. There are still things worth fighting for.

Winter Therapy Groups & Classes

Sacred Space Counseling of Grand Haven, Michigan is offering the following therapy groups:

Women's Love Addiction Therapy Group - Do you find yourself continually looking for love in all the wrong places? Do you go from relationship to relationship? Are you unhappy in a relationship yet unable to end it? If you can relate to any of these statements, find freedom, hope and support in this therapy group. (This is not a 12-step group).

Teen Grief Group - Supportive, healing space for teens to grieve the death of a loved one through art, music & sharing your story.

Eating Disorder Therapy Group - Your recovery is your own, but you can't do it alone. Explore with others struggling with an eating disorder, the underlying issues that may be contributing to your eating disorder and hindering your recovery. (This is not a 12-step group).

For more information about any of these groups, contact Jenna Deckert, 616-405-4733 or jenna@sacredspacecounseling.com

Love & Logic Parenting Class - 7 week course entitled "Becoming a Love and Logic Parent." This course is designed for the parents of children of any age or for parents-to-be. The course covers topics involving parenting styles and techniques to make parent's lives easier and more fulfilling with their children. The $10 cost is for materials and the rest of the cost is subsidized through Tri-Cities Ministries and the Greater Ottawa County United Way. For more information or to sign up, contact Rob Deckert, 616-405-4188 or rob@sacredspacecounseling.com

Rob & Jenna are also available for individual, couples or family counseling. For more information, check out our website www.sacredspacecounseling.com or contact us individually:

Rob Deckert: 616-405-4188 rob@sacredspacecounseling.com
Jenna Deckert: 616-405-4733 jenna@sacredspacecounseling.com

Truth Poem

Truth sits like a rock at the pit of my stomach. Like a caged bird I want to set it free, set me free. But shame, fear and guilt keep me from sticking my fingers down my throat and inducing truth-telling. I know it's these secrets that feed off my shame, fear and guilt. I'm so hungry for the nourishment of healing and intimacy, yet gorge on junk food.

I want to wrestle through this to the other side. I don't want to stay stuck in this mud of shame, fear and guilt. I'm afraid, if I talk about it, people will throw mud in my face and then I will sink even deeper in this quicksand of silence. I want to jump off the high-dive & swim naked in the clear, clean, cool water of truth. But I can't swim. And I will not jump unless you push me.

in my heart is a hunger I will never give away

Are you hungry? I'm not talking about a physical hunger but a relational hunger, a spiritual-psychological-emotional hunger. The title of this post is a lyric from a song by Joseph Arthur. It got me thinking about the hunger of my heart. The frustrating thing about hunger is that it always comes back! You fill yourself and for awhile the hunger goes away but soon, there's a rumbling in your heart & the hunger pangs demand your attention again.

What do you do with your hunger? Do you feed your heart on junk food that only lead to craving for more of the same? Do you starve yourself for as long as you can only to eventually give your heart away to any and everyone in hopes that someone will fill you and take away your emptiness?
When you're hungry, what are you hungry for? Connection, comfort, love, touch, rest, laughter, forgiveness? Make a commitment to yourself today to protect your heart, to protect your hunger. And seek out those things that will bring nourishment and energy to your heart, rather than fill you up with empty calories.